not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
