you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
