She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize