Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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