I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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