wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
