you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
