Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
