My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
