If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
