lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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