You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
