her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
