Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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