You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
