Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
