Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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