That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
