Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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