i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
