I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
