he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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