I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
