I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
