It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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