i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
