There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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