its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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