He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
