with your own penis?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
