I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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