I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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