so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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