I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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