I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
