I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
