her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
