she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
