Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
