Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I am midnight drunk by noon
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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