tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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