The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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