1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
