I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
