I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
