Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
