He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
