My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
