Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
