Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
