Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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