I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
