My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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