Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Dicks are not precious.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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