I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
