I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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