just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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