My hair reeks of homosexuality.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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