and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize