Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
