You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
