Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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