Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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