It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
