if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I FOUND THE LEGS
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
